The Titleholder Highlight Reel: Why I Chose to Break The Mold

I was sitting in Ransburg Auditorium before my university’s performance of The Last Days of Judas Ascariot when I saw the first post. #Ok2NotBOk. A challenge, created by my titleholder friend all the way in Pennsylvania. Without thinking about what I’d say and how I’d say it, I simply commented, “Challenge accepted.”

Period! Google Images (2022)

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I’ve always had trouble articulating my emotions and thoughts. When I was younger, I’d often just put up with something until I finally found the words to describe it. When I was in the third grade, one day I just looked at my mom and asked to get my eyes checked. Turns out I was legally blind for years, but we had no indication that I couldn’t see because I never said anything!

I think I made my point; I just have trouble speaking up for myself.

When I realized I needed help on the mental front, I was too afraid to ask for it. I was afraid of how my parents and friends would react. So I waited… and waited… and waited, until I couldn’t wait any longer. After at least five years of suffering in silence, the flood wall collapsed. I wasn't ready to seek help, but my emotions couldn't take the suppression any longer. There was definitely a better way to approach the 'I Need Help' conversation, but apparently, a full blown anxiety attack in front of a professor does the trick too.

The next week, I was paired with a therapist on campus who saved my life. She gave me the answers and validation I needed for what I was feeling. I was diagnosed with severe anxiety, depression, body dysmorphia, and a stress disorder.

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When I became a titleholder earlier this February, I was committed to sharing the bubbly person that I am. I posted motivational quotes and shared the stories of other artists like myself, and everything was great! This challenge was a reminder that social media is a highlight reel. A scrapbook of everybody’s best moments. Sure, the good things get more likes and comments from your friends, but it wasn’t until I showed my vulnerability that I realized I wasn’t struggling alone.

Now I’m able to talk about my diagnosis in a safe and educational way; a way that paves a safe space for others to open up.

Has it stopped me from being a dedicated titleholder? Nope.

In fact, I feel that my vulnerability makes me stand out from others because I’m not afraid to showcase all aspects of myself. My friends and fellow titleholders trust me, because I have nothing to hide. Wearing my emotions on my sleeve is incredibly difficult, but it is much better than the unhealthy suppression habit I fell into while in high school.

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So why did I break the mold, and how does this relate to being a titleholder?

There’s a pageantry misconception that all titleholders are perfect, flawless individuals. Not only is this stereotype untrue, but it’s extremely damaging. Many girls work so hard to put on a mask online, and the reality is that none of us are perfect. This unrealistic standard has also driven young women to seek diets and unhealthy forms of weight loss just to be ‘perfect’. After seeing all of this, I felt that it was my duty to be my most authentic self, even if that meant showcasing the darker side of wearing the crown.

Many find this odd and unnecessary, but I’m extremely proud.